It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp
by rebecca-in-blue
Summary: "Tony tries to figure out how to take a photo of her without her noticing." Tagged to Up in Smoke: The guys's reactions to Ziva's hooker outfit. Tiva if you squint.


_Summary_: Tagged to episode 9x23 "Up in Smoke" (so, obviously, spoilers for that episode). The guys' reactions to that little black dress Ziva wore when she was pretending to be a hooker.

_Author's Note_: I've read a few _wonderful_ stories about Tony's reaction to Ziva's dress, so I couldn't resists writing one that included the rest of the team – although the focus is still on Tony and Ziva.

_Inspired By_: "That Dress," by Aerial312.

* * *

"That's it?" Tony scoffs, as soon as she steps out of her car and stands up. "_That's_ your hooker outfit?"

Ziva scowls at him and straightens her dress. She's wearing the shortest dress and highest heels that she owns for their bachelor party op to finally nail Dearing. But Tony and McGee didn't have to go home and change _their_ clothes – just take off their ties and scruff up their collars – and Ziva would bet that the entire time they've been waiting for her in the Navy Yard parking lot, Tony has been trying to guess at what she'll show up wearing. The op calls for her, dressed as a hooker, to act as a look-out on a bench down the street from the bar.

"Well? What's wrong with it?" she challenges, as she takes off her khaki jacket and tosses it down on the hood of her car. Maybe Tony won't complain about her dress after he's seen the neckline, but Ziva almost can't believe that she's actually asking for his opinion on the subject.

"It's too much," Tony answers, shaking his head. "I mean... there's too much _of_ it. And it's too nice." He looks at McGee for support.

McGee shrugs, embarrassed. "It is kinda... high-class-looking, Ziva," he admits sheepishly. "I mean, you know, for a hooker."

Ziva just rolls her eyes and doesn't answer him. She's busy taking off her Star of David necklace – certainly there aren't many hookers wearing one of _those_ – and tucking it safely in her dress pocket.

"I thought you said you were going to ask Abby for a short skirt or a pair of boots or something," McGee goes on, frowning. "Didn't she have anything you could borrow?"

Ziva sighs. "Well, I did go down to her lab before I left, but when I got there, she was upset over the bachelor party _she_ planned being cancelled that I did not want to ask her." She glances around the darkened parking lot. "Where's Gibbs?"

"He said he was going to buy some props for bachelor party," McGee supplies. He jerks his head to the Navy Yard building behind them. "And Jimmy's inside changing out of his scrubs. You should see him. He's so excited that he got out of Abby's bachelor party that he asked Gibbs to buy balloons and blowouts."

Ziva's brow furrows in confusion, but before she can ask him what _blowouts_ are, Tony says, "A _good_ hooker outfit would be..." He pauses and actually begins counting on his fingers as he names each item. "...let's see, some cut-off jeans, a shirt that shows your midriff, hair extensions, and a – "

Ziva narrows her eyes at him. "And tell me, Tony, exactly _how_ did you become such an expert on what hookers wear?"

McGee tries to keep from snorting with laughter. He fails.

"Yeah, laugh it up now, McGoo, because no one's going to be laughing when our cover's blown and Dearing gets away, all because Ziva didn't look slutty e – " He stops short and winces as Gibbs's hand connects, especially hard, with the back of his head. The man has just appeared from out of nowhere, as always, behind them.

"DiNozzo," he warns, his voice a low rumble.

"Sorry, Boss."

Gibbs looks Ziva over once, frowns, and quickly looks away. She feels a twinge of annoyance. _He_ must not think that she's put together a convincing hooker outfit, either.

Gibbs holds up a clear plastic shopping bag full of different-colored baseball caps, each monogrammed with the words _Danger: Bachelor Party _across the front. He rips it open and hands Tony a bright orange one.

"Oh, come on, Boss," Tony protests, "you don't really expect me to..." But he sighs and falls silent at the look Gibbs gives him. Ziva smirks as he reluctantly jams the cap onto his head. McGee gets a blue one. As he puts it on, his cell phone beeps, and he pulls it out of his pocket and flips it open.

"Just got a text from Palmer, Boss," he announces. "He says he and Dorneget are on their way out to meet us now." He looks around at his team. "Guess we're all set, then?" They're going to take only two cars to the bar. The guys will arrive first, and Ziva will show up by herself a few minutes later. Gibbs planned it out that way, but he didn't tell his team the real reason why, which is that he doesn't want Ziva sitting on the bench as a hooker for any longer than necessary.

Gibbs glances at Ziva again and hastily picks up her jacket from where she'd put it down on her car. She took it off because it covered up too much of her neckline, and besides, the late May night is almost as warm as summer. But he holds it out to her and says, "Ziver, put this on."

Ziva frowns. "Gibbs, it is not – "

"That's an _order_, David," he cuts her off, and he throws the jacket at her so suddenly that she almost doesn't catch it. She shoots Tony an incredulous, _what is his problem?_ look as she pulls it on. Tony just smirks and steps closer to her.

"Give the man a break, Zi," he says softly, after Gibbs has moved out of earshot. "You think it's easy for any dad to see his daughter dressed up like a hooker?"

**/\/\/\/\  
**

Gibbs pretends to stretch his neck as he glances over his shoulder at Ziva once more. _At least I made her keep her jacket on,_ he thinks grimly.

"Boss," Tony hisses in a low voice, "if you don't stop looking at Ziva, the bartender's going to think you're her pimp."

He should know better, but he can't help it. Just a minute ago, Ziva was approached by some sleazy-looking drunk, who had sat down next to her, put his hand on her thigh, and leered at her. Gibbs's protective instincts kicked in, and he was half-tempted to walk right over there and kick his drunk ass. He might have actually done it if Tony hadn't put another shot glass of apple juice down in front of him, slapped his shoulder, and muttered, "Ninja Mossad assassin, Boss. She can take care of herself."

Sure enough, a second later, Ziva had laid her hand over the drunk's and must have found the pressure point on his wrist, because he stumbled to his feet and hurried away, wincing and rubbing his hand.

Gibbs luckily doesn't notice, but Tony looks over at Ziva almost as often as he does. It's just less obvious, because he isn't sitting with his back to her, and of course, it's for very different reasons. Until Ziva sat down, he hadn't noticed how that little black dress seems to show off miles of her legs. Tony takes off his ridiculous hat and pull at his collar, loosening it a bit. The balmy spring night feels hotter every time he looks at Ziva.

_If only Gibbs hadn't made her keep that jacket on,_ he thinks grumpily.

He plays along with Palmer's bachelor party, but in the back of his mind, he's trying to find a way to sneak out his phone and take a few photos of Ziva in that dress without her or Gibbs noticing. _She_'s still mad at him over those photos of her in her bikini, and _he_ would almost certainly head-smack him again. Tony thinks of every movie he's ever seen with a hooker in it. Ziva's definitely hotter than Julia Roberts in _Pretty Woman_. Even hotter than Rebecca De Mornay in _Risky Business_. She's in a class by herself.

She turns her head towards them as they get up from their table and drag Palmer down the street in her direction. Just the look on her face, at once both cool and sultry, her eyes heavy-lidded, is almost enough to drive Tony crazy. God, _he_ wants to be the one to pick her up, to take her hand and pull her body in against his.

But he holds onto Palmer and lets Gibbs get to Ziva first, as jealous as that makes him. Gibbs never liked the idea of his kid dressing up as a hooker – he didn't say so, but Tony could tell. And he doesn't miss how Ziva smiles at Gibbs as he pulls her up off the bench. That's the way their little family works.

**FIN**


End file.
